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TSS's Fanfiction: The Incredibles: Syndrome's Return

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TSS's Fanfiction: The Incredibles: Syndrome's Return

Postby The Star Swordsman » Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:10 am

Hello everyone. This is not the first Incredibles fanfic I have written in my life, nor is it the first one I ever posted here on Pixar Planet. But this one is one of my favorites and one of the more popular ones, according to Fanfiction.net statistics. I decided to post my fanfic here and see what you guys all thought.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Incredibles Characters. they belong soley to Brad Bird and Pixar.

The Incredibles: Syndrome's Return (rated PG [maybe PG-13 in case violence and beatings becomes a little too strong for PG] for action violence & fighting)

Premise: Syndrome returns and that means bad new for the family of Supers. Plus, Violet gets an opportunity of a life time to be normal, but how will it affect her family?

Chapter 1: Glory Days Restored

Three weeks have past since the defeat of the Underminer. Before that, the Super Hero Relocation Program had been abolished. This resulted in Super Heroes going back to their old jobs. Still, even with the return of Super Heroes, crimes are still being committed, mainly in Metroville.

Metroville is a peaceful city. It has its restaurants, movie theaters, schools, a stadium for all sports, shopping malls, parks and recreation centers, a library, and other stuff you might find in any other city. The most distinguishing thing about this city is that it is home to some of the most well known, glorious, famous super heroes in the world. But other than that, Metroville is a pretty normal place. . . well, almost normal. . .

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Alright everybody! This is a stick up!” yelled one robber in the Metroville Grand City Bank.

One of three robbers went over to the safe vault. He tapped his pistol on the large steel door. “Alright, someone open this up.” he commanded. Nobody moved a muscle. “I SAID SOMEONE OPEN THIS UP!”

The robber aimed his handgun high into the air and fired a deafening shot. Many panicked and screamed for their lives. The robber fired another shot in the air. The commotion ceased. The third robber aimed a shotgun at a banker.

“You, get up!” he roared as he brought the horrified banker to her feet.

She slowly made her way towards the large vault. She was about to open it when she froze. Chills were running down her spine. The impatient robbers all aimed their firearms at the terrified banker. She carefully opened the safe. Finally, the locks of the steel vault had been opened. The three robbers all collected money from the vault, loaded it into a large sack, and loaded them into their get away van. Altogether, it took them four trips to load their loot into the van.

“Come on boys. Let’s get outta here before the cops come.” said one robber.

The three thieves got into the van. The engine roared, signaling the car had been started. The driver stepped on the gas but surprisingly, the car didn’t move an inch.

“What the heck is wrong with this hunk of junk!” wondered an irritated robber.

The driver looked on his side mirror. What he saw completely shocked him. A big, muscular man in a red super suit with a lower case “i” on his chest was grasping on to the getaway vehicle tightly.

“Mr. Incredible! Run for your lives!”

The three robbers jumped out of the vehicle. Mr. Incredible, (aka: Bob Parr), who possessed the gift of super strength, hurled the van into the sky. It disappeared into space. The three robbers all aimed their guns at Mr. Incredible. They were about to shoot when a long, elongated arm wrapped around the felons legs and brought them to the floor. They looked up and saw that the long arm had belonged to a heroine who was also wearing a red super suit with black gloves and boots, the same as Mr. Incredible. She was known as Elastigirl (aka: Helen Parr), Mr. Incredible’s wife. She joined her husband and both assumed a fighting stance. Realizing that they can’t beat both Supers, the three thieves decided to split up.

“Honey, I’ll go after that one.” he pointed at a eluding robber. “You get the other one.”

“Roger that.” she replied. “But who will get the third guy?”

The third robber ran as fast as he could. He didn’t get very far, because another Super froze him right on the spot in a block of ice.

“Dude, you need to chill out.” replied the Super known as Frozone.

Meanwhile, Mr. Incredible continued to chase down the robber. After a running a couple meters, the robber thought he could escape by running though an alley way. As he turned the corner and went through the thin alley, he found out that it led to a dead end. He slowly turned around and came face to face with Mr. Incredible. The robber brought his arm back and delivered a punch to the Super. Mr. Incredible caught his hand. With one quarter of an effort, he began to squeeze the criminal's hand.

“OKAY, OKAY! I GIVE UP!” the robber agonized.

Mr. Incredible grinned at the robber and carried him to a police car nearby.

At the same time, Elastigirl combated against the last remaining robber. Things started out with the thief shooting at the heroine. Elastigirl dodges all of the bullets with grace and nimbleness. After he ran out of bullets, he quickly reached into his pocket for some more ammo. This gave Elastigirl an opportunity to strike. She sprung up into the air. At the peak of her jump, she delivered a long, solid kick across the robber’s face, knocking him out. Elastigirl landed on her feet and went up to the dazed robber. She hoisted the thief on to her shoulders. And carried him in to a patrol car. Policemen came and congratulated the three supers.

“Thank you Supers. Good work.” thanked an officer.

“We’re just doing our job.” replied Elastigirl.

Suddenly, a voice from Mr. Incredible’s communicator spoke. “Mr. Incredible, Elastigirl, it’s Rick from the NSA. Report to headquarters immediately.”

“Roger that Rick.” acknowledged Mr. Incredible. He turned to his friend Frozone. “Zone, I need you to take care of Jack-Jack for a few more minutes.”

“Are you kidding me?” Frozone interrupted. “That creature already destroyed my house the last time you told me to take care of him a little later than usual!”

“Sorry Zone, but it’ll take a couple minutes. Bye!”

Mr. Incredible could smell that a argument was about ensue if he stayed any longer. Both he and his wife jumped into the Incredibile and raced to the National Supers Agency’s headquarters.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

So what do you all think? Reviews please. I really like reviews, including comments, questions, and thoughts. I also really critisims and flames. Those kinda motivate me to do a better job. But what I love the most is to hear the truth from you guys. I would really appreciate it.
Last edited by The Star Swordsman on Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby bright dot-dasher » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:14 pm

Wait a sec....I've read this before, I think......do you have a fanfiction.net account, because I think this story plot sounds familiar.......just wondering....

Anyway, really exciting! :D
It's just that robber yelling "Run for your life!" doesn't really sound like something he'd actually say once catching sight of a superhero. I think some would either stay silent and try to get away without being noticed or think he can take on Mr. Incredible. Then again, I guess if they already know about Mr. I, then they should be scared and panic.
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:44 am

bright-dot-dasher: Yes, this story is on my fanfiction.net account. I am wishing that some poeple who haven't read it yet would get a chance here. After all, the TI section of FF.net is kinda dying right now.
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Postby bright dot-dasher » Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:51 am

Oh, that was you who wrote it! I remember randomly searching the net and finding it there. So, I'll tell you that I have already read the entire story, and I really got into it, like staying up late and waking up early to catch up on it. (no spoilers here)
I know there will be other members here who will enjoy it as much as I did.
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:12 am

I hope so. So far, you happen to be the only reader. I hope more come along.
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Wed Jul 23, 2008 3:36 am

Here is the next chapter. Be warned, it gets a tad little intense.

Chapter 2: The Junior Heroes

Meanwhile, on the suburban side of Metroville, a middle aged woman arrived at the driveway of her beloved home. She got out of her car and went to her trunk. After popping it open, she began to unload her grocery bags. She carried the two bags to her front door step.

When she opened the door to her house, expecting to be greeted by her husband and children, she froze. She dropped her bags to the floor. She found her home completely in ruins. She saw furniture overturned, glass all over the floor. . . and her children and husband tied up on the couch. The mother immediately rushed over to her family.

“Honey, kids, what happened?” she frightfully inquired.

No one answered. The dad and kids were all terrified, they couldn’t move or speak. The mother had just reached into her purse and grabbed her cell phone. She was about to dial the police when she hear a voice from behind.

“Do not call the cops lady, or else you’re gonna get it.”

Two burglar emerged from the kitchen. One had a butcher’s knife in his hand. He brandished it at the terrified mother. By now, she was frozen as a statue. The burglars inched closer to her, but she couldn’t move. She glanced at the armed burglar, then at the cell phone, then back at the two burglars. She was about to call the police when a third burglar locked her in a full nelson hold. The mother immediately screamed for help. The kids, sitting on the couch, were scared to death. They watched helplessly as tears fell from their eyes. The burglar with the butcher’s knife slowly approached the mother. He raised his arm, ready to deliver the killing blow.

Suddenly, a reddish blur sped through the house and tripped every burglar to the floor. The reddish blur stopped in front of the doorway.

“Hooray! It’s Speedster!” celebrated the children.

Speedster, (alias: Dashiell “Dash” Parr) was the son of the famous Supers: Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl. Obviously, according to his name, his super power is super speed, acceleration, and reflexes. He had blonde hair and was wearing a red super suit with the same detail as Mr and Mrs. Incredible.

The three burglars scrambled to their feet. They all rushed in towards the young Super. Speedster smiled and dashed out of the way. All of the sudden, the door slammed right into their face. The burglars were knocked off of their feet. They were dazed for a while. They got to their feet. Then a barrage of blows were delivered to the oblivious burglars. After stumbling around, a large, round, purple orb had the burglars trapped. After being suspended in the air, the violet orb that had them encapsulated vanished, resulting in them dropping to the ground.

“Invisigirl is here!” cried a burglar.

The three burglars reached the door. Unfortunately, once they opened it, they were greeted with a wooden pole to their backs. The wooden pole was levitating in midair. Suddenly, the invisible figure wielding the pole became visible.

It was none other than the fourteen year old Super named Invisigirl, (alias: Violet Parr). She was Speedster’s older sister, and daughter to Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl. She possessed the ability of invisibility and force fields. Invisigirl was wearing a red super suit with black gloves and thigh-high boots. On her chest detailed an “i”. Invisigirl had long, dark, black hair that was pulled back by an orange headband.

“You’re all going to jail. And if Speedster ran fast enough, the police should arrive right about. . .” Police sirens were all of the sudden heard outside. “. . . now.” grinned Invisigirl.

“OPEN THE DOOR! THIS IS THE POLICE!” yelled a man from outside. The burglars had no choice but to give up.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Several minutes later, after the criminals were apprehended, an officer went up to the two young supers.

“Thank you Incredikids. Once again, you both saved more innocent lives.” the officer thanked.

“It’s all in a day’s work.” smiled Speedster. After he glanced at his sister. “Isn’t that right sis?”

Invisigirl did not answer. She was talking to her mother, Elastigirl on the communicator.

“Okay. . . sure. . . alright. We’ll be right there in five minutes. Speedster and I will take the short cut. . . okay. . . bye.”

“What was that?” asked Speedster.

“It was mom. She wants us to go to the NSA headquarters immediately.”

“What is it about? Did we do anything wrong? Are you in trouble? Did you do something. . . OW!”

Invisigirl gave her a well deserved slap to the back of the head.

“Wow, you haven't changed at bit. First, no I’m not in trouble. I’m a good girl. I’m surprised to see you haven’t gotten into trouble with the NSA yet. Second, nothing is wrong. Mom just wants us to meet her in the NSA headquarters. All she said is that it was very important.”

“Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Invisigirl and Speedster instantly sprinted towards their new home. Since their old one got blown up by falling debris, the family of supers had to move to move to another house. It was not that far away from their old one. It was just five miles away from their old house and only ten miles away from Violet’s middle school. The family’s new house was a two story house. It has a family room, a living room, a dinning room, a kitchen, a laundry room, three bedrooms (one for each member of the family), two and a half bathrooms, and a playroom for Jack-Jack. The family also has one giant screen TV, many comfortable sofas, a coffee table, a fireplace, wooden floors, an oven, a microwave, and a swimming pool in the backyard.

The two young heroes arrived at their house and dashed through the door. They came to the fireplace. Invisigirl reached inside and tapped the wall three times. All of the sudden, the fireplace rose from the ground. As it rose up, two steel doors became visible. The doors opened up, revealing an elevator. Invisigirl and Speedster all entered the elevator and pressed a button. The elevator doors closed and the fireplace sank back into it’s neutral position.

The elevator took the two Supers down below the surface. Afterwards, the elevator doors opened up, revealing the National Supers Agency’s Headquarters. Once they stepped inside, they were greeted by many workers and fellow Supers. After saying hi and signing a couple autographs, Invisigirl and Speedster made their way to the front desk, where a lady in a suit was working on some paper work.

“Ah, Invisigirl and Speedster. And how are the NSA’s best young Supers doing?” she greeted.

“Everything is so sweet!” Speedster replied a little hyper, being the ten year old energy ball he is. “There were these bad guys, and they were breaking in someone’s house, then I came in and was like “POW” and BAM” and I was like “TAKE THAT YOU. . .” and then, Invisigirl, she was doing okay, but I. . .”

“Speedster," glared Invisigirl. "I was doing fine, thank you very much." The ten year old Super stuck his tongue out at Invisigirl. She rolled her eyes. “So, I understand the NSA wanted to see us?”

“Yes, your mother and father is on the top floor with Rick.”

Invisigirl replied. “Thank you so much. Come on Dash. Our parents are waiting for us.”

The two super siblings rode the elevator up to Rick’s office on the top floor. Once the elevator doors opened, Invisigirl and Speedster saw their parents standing in front of a desk where Rick Dicker was sitting at.

A lot has changed Rick since the Syndrome incident. Shortly afterwards, Rick Dicker received a huge promotion. Now he is the Chief Executive of the National Supers Agency.

Rick cleared his throat then said, “Incredibles, I summoned all of you here for a very special assignment.”
Last edited by The Star Swordsman on Tue Nov 25, 2008 6:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby bright dot-dasher » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:39 am

I waited a while to see if anyone else was going to comment, but for now, unfortunately, it seems like just you and me, TSS.

Even though I've read it before at Fanfiction.net, I'll comment here since I didn't get to comment on it the time I read it.

It was exciting, and I loved the way Speedster and Invisigirl worked together but still treated each other like siblings. It makes them seem Incredible, yet down-to-earth. (BTW did you make up their superhero names?)

I hope for you to get the attention more readers as well soon. (I'm sort of experiencing the same thing)
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:47 am

To answer your wuestion, I kinda made up theie SUper Names. I was thinking of using Mr. Incredible, Mrs. Incredible, Incredigirl, Incrediboy/Incrediguy/Incredikid, and Incredibaby, but I llike using original names.

Speedster just seemed like the right name for Dash. With other names, I either didn't like it, or someone already took it.

As for Invisigirl, I don't think I was the first one to give her that name, but I think I made i popular (sorry for sounding egotistical)

Thanks for commenting. I always love to hear what others have to say.
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:08 am

Here is chapter 3

Chapter 3: Special Mission

The family each had a different reaction in hearing this. Mr. Incredible was excited to receive another special mission. Elastigirl was a little reluctant. Speedster was so excited because he never been on a highly classified mission. Invisigirl, on the other hand, was very nervous.

“Now don’t worry Mr and Mrs. Incredible. I am well aware that your children have not been assigned to something so highly classified and dangerous. By all means, if you think your children aren’t ready for this, you may decline.”

Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl all looked at their kids. Speedster was all anxious and eager about this.

“I’m okay with this! Let’s go! When do we leave? Will we kick butt? Will we save the entire world?

Invisigirl was silent. She didn’t believe she could handle such great responsibility. She wanted to tell her parents. She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t. Nothing came out of her mouth. She wanted to say “Mom, dad, I don’t think I can do this.” or, “No, I do not want to.” but she couldn’t.

Then, it was too late. Mr. Incredible took one quick glance at his daughter then said, “Rick, on behalf of the entire Incredibles family, we accept this mission.”

“Great,” smiled Rick, “here is your assignment. Mr. Incredible, you and your family remember Syndrome right?”

“Yeah, he was the one who built the Omnidroid, unleashed it in our city, and tried to defeat it to become a hero.” Elastigirl answered.

“Yes, well there has been some mysterious activity going on back at his island.” replied Rick.

Speedster asked, “What kind of activity?”

“This is where things got a little perplexing.” said Rick. “You have no idea what our experts have discovered. An army of robots and the Omnidroid patrolling the island. And. . .”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you saying Syndrome is alive?” wondered Mr. Incredible.

“But that’s impossible. He got killed in that explosion right?” Elastigirl thought.

“The thing is,” Rick Dicker added, “studies from the NSA show that villains have a high percentage of escaping fatal deaths than most Supers out there.”

“Hmm, no wonder Baron Von Ruthless would always come back seeking for world destruction every time someone puts him away.” said Mr. Incredible

“There are very few supers out there in the world that could take a beating and still be alive. One percent to be exact.” added Rick.

“Okay, so Syndrome is assumed alive.” Speedster interrupted. “What other strange activity did you find?”

“We don’t know. But our experts believe that whoever is hiding at Nomanisan Island is currently working on a strange invention.”

“What kind of invention?” inquired Elastigirl.

“We don’t know, but what ever it is, it uses a lot of energy and can be very dangerous. I believe you now know what your mission is right?”

“Yeah,” responded Speedster. “Go to the island, investigate, stop any threat to the earth. Easy enough.”

“Until you get to this level son. It’s only easy until you reach the top.” laughed Rick.

He later got up from his desk and went and shook Mr. Incredible’s, Elastigirl’s, Invisigirl’s and Speedster’s hand. “Congratulations Incredikids. From this moment forward, you will joining your parents as official Level A Super Heroes. We wish you good luck and success.”

“Thanks Rick.” thanked Mr. Incredible. “It such an honor for me and all of my family.”

Rick gave a smile. “You shall be giving details on your mission in a few days. You will be notified when this information is released.”

Elastigirl turned to her husband. “Honey, we better get home soon. The children have school tomorrow.”

Soon after, everyone left the NSA headquarters and headed straight home. On their way back, Elastigirl couldn’t help but notice strange behavior coming from her daughter. Invisigirl was, all of the sudden, quiet since the trip to the NSA headquarters. In addition, she had her head band off of her head, resulting a large curtain of hair veiling her face. Elastigirl knew. These were certain signs of something wrong with her daughter.
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Postby bright dot-dasher » Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:28 am

(I haven't read this fanfic in a while, probably because fanfiction.net is getting old.) Poor Violet...oops, I mean Invisigirl, I wonder what's troubling her. Then again, if I were in her place, I would've felt the same way about the huge responsibility.
I can tell (Dash) Speedster is excited.


Any other members on Pixar Planet: Shouldn't there be more readers on this?
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Wed Jul 30, 2008 6:52 am

Any other members on Pixar Planet: Shouldn't there be more readers on this?


I would love that BBD, but as you can see, the number of die-hard Incredibles fans are pretty low. I would assume that most would rather read a WALL-E fanfic than a TI one. SO if noe doesn't come, then that is perfectly fine.
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Postby zada » Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:49 pm

(Yeah I thought you needed a new commenter in this thread haha)

Ok I've only read 1 and 2 so far. I think a PG13 is our 12A? I think that's a good judgement as it does sounds more violent than a usual Pixar movie.

I like how Violet or Invisigirl is really confident now and calling her brother a twerp in public and acting more mature. I can't wait to meet Jackjack too, be interesting what you do with his powers.

You also do a lot of descriptions so I can really visualize it which is nice :) like at the beginning with Helen and her robber and her dodging the bullets.


I'm going to enjoy reading Chapter 3 for sure.
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:18 pm

Thank you zada. Enjoy chapter 3. I hope you read the rest of my story. I got like about maybe 28 chapters altogether.
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Postby Sky » Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:57 am

I really enjoyed reading your fan fiction, The Star Swordsman. I can tell you are very knowledgable about the The Incredbles universe. I like how you came up with aliases for the supers - their names were really clever, like "Incredikids, and Invisigirl." Heheh.

I also liked how you left each chapter on a cliffhanger. It makes me on the edge of my seat wanting to find out what happens next. =) You seemed to capture each character's personality from the movie, which makes the story more believable.

I can't really think of any criticisms from a story point of view, since fan fiction isn't usually my thing so I wouldn't know how to give negative feedback properly. My one suggestion would be to make sure you are consistent with units, in one paragraph you will use "meters" and in the next you will use "miles." But that's only something I picked up since I'm used to dealing with metric and imperial, but it's a good idea to stick with one unit all the way through when writing, but other than that it doesn't affect the story at all, so don't worry. :)

I apologise for not giving you feedback sooner, especially as you always give me feeddback on my creative postings... I don't really venture into this section of the forum much and only saw this thread a few days ago. If I don't give you feedback in timely manner in the future, feel free to PM me and yell at me, TSS. ;)
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Postby The Star Swordsman » Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:04 pm

rachel: Thank you for your kind complements. Adn don't worry, I will, maybe after every 2-3 chapters you don't comment, I'll "scream" at you. :wink:

PS: Everyone reading this, Make it a point to check for an update every tuesday (Pacific Ameican time). That is the day I will post a new chapter.
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