MiniChuchan's mini stories

A bit sudden but. I’m going to start trying to write a fanfiction story and post any short ones here(if I ever write a longer one with chapters, it’ll go in another topic). My first story is a Ratatouille one based off of a one page comic from one issue of the magazine “Disney Adventures” (try not to be too hard on me, this is only the second fanfiction I’ve ever written, the first being for a T.V. show that was based off of a game)

Title: Over warm good morning

Rated: G for…not having inappropreate content

Spoilers: None (unless you haven’t seen the 10min clip)

The sun rose slowly over an apartment building in Paris, light streamed through every window, including the curten-less window of a small, shabby flat. The warm sunshine illuminated the whole of the appartment that, while crowded had very few pieces of furniture and then barely enough space for it’s two ocupents. One, a small, blue furred rat was curled up in an oven mitt on the windowsil, sleeping peacefuly, the other a curly haired young man, was leaning over the hot plate on the less than spacious counter, occasionally uttering a sigh of frustration. “I can do this” Linguini told himself all the while wondering how he got himself in this mess, he had started out with the best intentions but, when it came to the actions themselves something just wasn’t going quite right. Once again Linnguini sighed, every morning since monday night he would wake up and find the little chef was already up and making breakfast for both of them, then they would go to their job, which probably only lasted this long because of the little chef. Just once Linguini wanted to be the one doing the real work and do something completely and sucessfuly by himself, he had gotten up before dawn just so he could do this, but once again all he could do was keep the fire extenguisher at arms leingth and hope that at least one of his crepes would turn out well. He breifly looked over at the windowsil and smiled at the rat that helped him so much, but once again was sent back to the moment as he realised that another one of his crepes were burning and it wasn’t coming off the pan. Linguini was frustrated with his own lack of skills and felt as if he were on the verge of pulling his own hair out, he grabbed a handful of hair and gave a good hard yank and of course his other hand jerked up and the crepe went flying off the pan and onto the ceiling.

Meanwhile Remy was just wakeing up at the usual time to start makeing breakfast but this morning was different, the air was filled with a sweet, burning smell. Just then Remy looked up to see something was stuck to the ceiling, the object then fell and landed about a foot away from him on the windowsil, after one moment Remy knew what it was “oh-no” he sighed “it’s the crepes again”, every night since wednesday Liguini had been trying to make crepes by himself, but it always went wrong somehow. Eventually the mixture ran out and the end result was several half burnt-half raw crepes that were stuck together, but were the ones that turned out best, “What do you think?” Linguini asked Remy. Remy stared at his portion then looked up and shook his head, “Well they may not look great, but they taste…they taste…” Linguini said realising how awful it was “maybe, you should try, I’ll take care of cleaning the dishes, and the walls and the ceiling”. So they eventually both managed to finish what they were doing, have breakfast and head out for work, while they rode over Remy couldn’t help wondering why everything this morning had happened, but it didn’t matter, they were almost at work and now they had a system and were on their way to the early morning instruction…

Well, what did everyone think of it? (if you want I can scan the one page comic so you can compair it to the original, as long as there’s no problem with that). I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the best title for the story, I just wanted to use a different one from the magazines, also I’m not that sure about the ending, but I hope it went well. Next time I want to try a story that I’ve thought of, the amount of time until I write the next one will depend on whether or not I get a good idea and on the comments I get for this first one.

  • From MiniChuchan

MiniChuchan - Very cute! I do remember reading the comic that your story refers to, and I must say that you managed to polish it up in a very charming little fashion. However, there are a few “kinks” in the system…

I hope you will forgive me for being overly critical, but I like to pin-point various errors and grammatical mistakes when it comes to novelizations, be them miniscule or highly exaggerated.
First of all, you have successfully mastered the art of imbedding phrases that are well “lit” and detailed. You manage to paint a mental picture using not too many and not too few tasteful words to color up the illustration. Despite this accomplishment, however, I must admit that the sentences are rather losely constructed and “thrown out to the wind”, so to speak. Let’s use the sentence below as an example:

One of the first mistakes I noticed was the lack of a comma after the ‘s’ in ‘this’ and the over-use of commas in the rest of the paragraph. Instead of a fractured sentence, you have done just the opposite in that you tend to create long and unnecessary run-on sentences. Sometimes, when writing a story, you want the reader to be able to take a rest and breath for a second or two after reading a sentence that is of an adequate length. Of course, there are several exceptions, depending on the author, but perhaps the afore-mentioned sentence would read better if constructed in this fashion:

“I can do this,” Linguini told himself, all the while wondering how he got himself in this mess. He had started out with the best intentions, but when it came to the actions themselves something just wasn’t going quite right.

Secondly, the occassional spelling error is noticeable. Alot of people tend to misspell a word at one time or another; however, I do like to pinpoint these errors from time to time, being the meticulous writer that I am. Here are just a few words that you misspelled (the wrong spelling is on the top; the correct is on the bottom):

Ocupents - Incorrect
Occupants - Correct

Windowsil - Incorrect
Windowsill - Correct

Extenguisher - Incorrect
Extinguisher - Correct

Days of the week are capitalized, as well (ie., ‘wednesday’ would be spelled ‘Wednesday’).

Again, I’m sorry I’m so critical! It’s my nature when it comes to writing. Eheh. :blush:

As for the story itself, I think that it’s very good! I love your use of such phrases as “warm sunshine illuminated the whole of the apartment”. :slight_smile:

– Mitch

Aww, I really really loved it minichuchan! Despite the spelling, it was really great to read!

Oh, thank you.
I’ll have to edit my grammer though
Hee hee

MiniChuchan - Heheh. No problem. Don’t worry about it. Practice makes perfect! You’ve already got a cute story going and I don’t want to make you feel devaluated in that aspect. :wink:

– Mitch

But you have to admit, for your first Fanfic post here on PP, it was pretty impressive.

This was pretty sweet! :wink:
I wanna read more from you!